Find yourself tongue-tied every time you offer commiserations? Etiquette expert
Rukhsana Eisa offers tips on dealing with potential social tragedies You don't
want to add to your loved ones tragedy while offering commiserations. While
feeling the pain (s)he is going through, you don't want to be saying or doing
the wrong things unintentionally. It is therefore necessary for all of us to
know the rules of correct conduct in order to instinctively do and say what is
right. Dealing with death: While dealing with death, a heartfelt simple, 'I am
so sorry' is sufficient, followed by 'Is there anything I can do to help?' Be
available to the bereaved family members when required (offer help in a specific
way, like call me if you need help with arrangements).
If the deceased was an acquaintance or a co-worker do not try to contact the overwhelmed family immediately. Instead, offer your condolence at the funeral. If you are unable to be physically present, sending a hand-written condolence note or flowers is an accepted practice. Sign the flowers with, 'With our deepest sympathies'. Allow the family space and time to mourn before approaching them. While talking to the family never refer to the deceased as anything other than using the person's name.
Constant intrusion upon grief, however wellmeant, is unkind and inconsiderate. You might live in the online world but sending condolences via email is still unacceptable. Dressing at funerals should be conservative and understated. Gay or bright colors should not be worn and avoid wearing extravagant jewellery and heavy makeup. Different communities have different traditions, dress accordingly by wearing either black or white. At the funeral service, please ensure your mobile phone is switched off, do not take calls, send text messages or carry on conversations with anyone.
Maintain a respectable silence. Dealing with sickness: A colleague recently met with a friend of hers, who was undergoing gruelling sessions of chemotherapy. She looked uncomfortable from the get-go and was unsure of what she should say. Avoiding eye contact, she managed to mumble a few words awkwardly. Instead of offering support, the conversation was one with long pauses filled with awkward silences. She constantly thought of the right words that should have been said, but couldn't find them.
If you find yourself in such a situation, inquire about their circumstance by saying 'How are you? I heard you've been ill' or 'How are you feeling now?' This diffuses the initial awkwardness and opens up a conversation. The person going through a tragedy would much rather prefer that you say something rather than ignoring the obvious. But please say it with genuine feeling. Some people may not wish to share what they are going through and you must respect their privacy. If you don't know the details of their illness, you probably don't need to know anyway.
At any cost, avoid saying 'I know exactly how you feel!' or 'I have no answers for you'. The fact is that you will never truly know what a person is going through. The disease shouldn't change your friendship. Talk to the person like you always did, why should anything change? Let the person know that you care and will be there for them. Listen to what your friend says with few emotional filters and show compassion rather than pity. At the same time sounding like a therapist does not help anyone.
You must remember that while empathising is great, giving advice is a strict no no. Come prepared with something upbeat and interesting to talk about, so if they don't want to divulge details, you aren't left with nothing more to say. Bring them something that they might enjoy - food items, a good book. Most importantly make the person who is ill the centre of your universe when you are with him/her. Do not judge them by the way they look or make them feel like the subject of an experiment. When you're sick, days can be long.
If the deceased was an acquaintance or a co-worker do not try to contact the overwhelmed family immediately. Instead, offer your condolence at the funeral. If you are unable to be physically present, sending a hand-written condolence note or flowers is an accepted practice. Sign the flowers with, 'With our deepest sympathies'. Allow the family space and time to mourn before approaching them. While talking to the family never refer to the deceased as anything other than using the person's name.
Constant intrusion upon grief, however wellmeant, is unkind and inconsiderate. You might live in the online world but sending condolences via email is still unacceptable. Dressing at funerals should be conservative and understated. Gay or bright colors should not be worn and avoid wearing extravagant jewellery and heavy makeup. Different communities have different traditions, dress accordingly by wearing either black or white. At the funeral service, please ensure your mobile phone is switched off, do not take calls, send text messages or carry on conversations with anyone.
Maintain a respectable silence. Dealing with sickness: A colleague recently met with a friend of hers, who was undergoing gruelling sessions of chemotherapy. She looked uncomfortable from the get-go and was unsure of what she should say. Avoiding eye contact, she managed to mumble a few words awkwardly. Instead of offering support, the conversation was one with long pauses filled with awkward silences. She constantly thought of the right words that should have been said, but couldn't find them.
If you find yourself in such a situation, inquire about their circumstance by saying 'How are you? I heard you've been ill' or 'How are you feeling now?' This diffuses the initial awkwardness and opens up a conversation. The person going through a tragedy would much rather prefer that you say something rather than ignoring the obvious. But please say it with genuine feeling. Some people may not wish to share what they are going through and you must respect their privacy. If you don't know the details of their illness, you probably don't need to know anyway.
At any cost, avoid saying 'I know exactly how you feel!' or 'I have no answers for you'. The fact is that you will never truly know what a person is going through. The disease shouldn't change your friendship. Talk to the person like you always did, why should anything change? Let the person know that you care and will be there for them. Listen to what your friend says with few emotional filters and show compassion rather than pity. At the same time sounding like a therapist does not help anyone.
You must remember that while empathising is great, giving advice is a strict no no. Come prepared with something upbeat and interesting to talk about, so if they don't want to divulge details, you aren't left with nothing more to say. Bring them something that they might enjoy - food items, a good book. Most importantly make the person who is ill the centre of your universe when you are with him/her. Do not judge them by the way they look or make them feel like the subject of an experiment. When you're sick, days can be long.
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