Saturday, November 12, 2011

The guilt-edged existence

Causing someone harm - especially unintentionally - comes with its share of emotional baggage. Can one really heal the hurt? Purba Dutt finds out Eight years after the incident, 35-yearold Shankar Seth (name changed) still regrets that he didn't do enough to prevent his on-andoff girlfriend from committing suicide. "I know she was excessively neurotic and in her obsessive phases, she would drive me up the wall, demanding to know every minute where I was, with whom, and doing what. Despite the fact that we were in a relationship, she was seeing other men too.

Our decision to part was mutual. How was I to know she'd end up taking her life so soon after we split?" asks Shankar, who's been through several counselling and trauma alleviation sessions to rid himself of the guilt and remorse post this unfortunate event. He laments, "She was clearly in need of psychiatric help. I ought to have seen this coming given her extremely fragile emotional state. " Can it ever be easy for a person who has unintentionally and inadvertently caused someone physical or emotional hurt or even death to let go of the attendant and often long-term guilt that follows? Near-fatal punch: Actor Puneet Issar of Mahabharat fame, who, despite his proven histrionic skills, is more often remembered as the guy who delivered the near-fatal punch to Amitabh Bachchan on the sets of Coolie, says he was helped and healed by none other than Bachchan himself.

Recalls Puneet, "This was way back in 1982 in Bangalore. We had rehearsed for this act and it was time for the final take. I was to land a punch and Mr Bachchan was to absorb that punch and bounce back. What happened is after I delivered the blow, he banged against the board. He was grievously injured and had to be operated upon. While the whole nation was praying for him, I was petrified, feeling paranoid and was completely wracked by guilt. After sometime, he was shifted to the Breach Candy Hospital in Mumbai, and sent me a message asking me to meet him along with my wife.

When we reached the hospital, he was very weak. He had lost a lot of blood. Even in that weak state, he held my hand and told me, 'Puneet, please don't get affected by this. You don't need to feel guilty at all. . . this was an accident'. " Continues Puneet, "I was so mightily relieved to hear this from him that immediately a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. To put me further ease, Mr Bachchan recalled another incident when during an action sequence take, he was supposed to chuck a glass at actor Vinod Khanna.

Somehow Vinod couldn't duck at the right time, and ended up receiving a deep gash on his chin. That was his way of telling me accidents do happen and that I shouldn't feel guilty about it. " "I realised," Puneet says, "that when people achieve greatness, there is a reason why they're the chosen ones. "Even in that critical condition Mr Bachchan walked me and my wife to the reception area. That's the day I let go of the guilt that was eating into me. My wife had donated blood for him because their blood groups match, but the closure for me came with his reassurance and magnanimity, s h a r e s P u n e e t , who's now working on the trauma and travails of Sikhs post 9-11 in his forthcoming film I am Singh.

Visionary! Known for his grace and style, Nawab Pataudi lost his vision in his right eye in an accident when he was barely 21. The person who was at the wheels when this accident occurred on that fateful day in July 1961 was Oxford University wicketkeeper Robin Waters. In a recent interview, Waters said, "Pataudi returned to India after his accident and I went back to Ireland. There was no communication between us. Once, when Pataudi came with the Indian team to Ireland, he invited me for a team dinner.

We chatted for long. He urged me to forget about the mishap. He would say it was his destiny to lose the eye. " Pataudi's words aided the healing process for Waters. Healing process: Says counsellor and traumatologist Seema Hingorrany, "The process of healing takes long. The brain perceives a sudden shock. It is traumatic to know that you're responsible for causing harm to someone. We need to help this person re-process these memories. The memories of this trauma are stored in a maladadaptive or dysfunctional manner.

The thought processes get distorted. " Talking of the affected individual developing a negative belief system, Seema talks of a young boy who was responsible for causing the death of someone in an accident that was clearly not his fault. "He wasn't drunk or overspeeding, but there was an accident, and a loss of life in the car behind his. When this guy's mother comes to visit him in the hospital, she carelessly blamed her son for being responsible for this death. This had a serious repercussion on this boy, who completely internalised this guilt.

He developed a weak belief system. He started to take the blame for everything. If the geyser in his home was left on, he'd think that the house would be on fire and it would all be his fault. I had to work hard on him to enable him to let go of his guilt. " Don't relive the past: Cricketer Mohammad Azharuddin, who recently lost his younger son in a horrendous bike accident, regretted having gifted his son this fancy bike. Post his death, Azharuddin has dealt with his feelings of grief and guilt by associating himself with NGOs that promote road safety and discourage rash driving.

Director Kaizad Gustad doesn't want to relive the days or talk about the incident wherein during the shoot of Bombay Central a young assistant director tragically lost her life on the sets in a freak accident. "I don't want to relive the past," says Kaizad, who recently became a father for the second time. Seema says that for anyone wracked by guilt, it is important they see a therapist or traumatologist. We help people build up their resources through meditation, spiritual practices and therapist-guided imagery exercises.

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